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Tag: Suicide

It gets worse before it gets better

It gets worse before it gets better

It’s a statement that I used to view as conciliatory bullshit; something you say when someone is in such a terrible predicament that you don’t really know what to say. I’m trying to remind myself that this can be a reality- that things can get better. In my last post, I wrote about how painful depression can feel. The heaviness, combined with the need to crawl out of your skin and disappear. The only word I have to describe this…

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Still Existing

Still Existing

The last note saved in my phone contains dosages of over the counter drugs. It was a note I started last Thursday, finished on Friday, and was supposed to serve as instructions for how to kill myself. When I picked up the drugs Friday morning, I remember noticing how expensive they were. I chuckled to myself, realizing that it doesn’t really matter how much money is left in my account if I’m dead. I hate myself for not just killing…

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On an upward spiral

On an upward spiral

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve sat down and wrote; partially because I’ve been spending every waking moment with my puppy, but also because I didn’t feel as though I had anything interesting or helpful to contribute. There’s a few things I want to share since I last wrote. I eliminated all forms of communication with my mother. I blocked her on all social media platforms, and I even blocked her number. I don’t have any siblings, and I…

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Suicide, from someone that tried it

Suicide, from someone that tried it

The first time I considered suicide I was in 5th or 6th grade. My mother and I were screaming at each other at the top our lungs. She said she didn’t want me, and my dad didn’t want me either. She didn’t know what to do with such a horrific child. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and told her I was going to kill myself. She told me to put it down, and we never spoke of the incident again….

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