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Tag: Borderline Personality Disorder

It gets worse before it gets better

It gets worse before it gets better

It’s a statement that I used to view as conciliatory bullshit; something you say when someone is in such a terrible predicament that you don’t really know what to say. I’m trying to remind myself that this can be a reality- that things can get better. In my last post, I wrote about how painful depression can feel. The heaviness, combined with the need to crawl out of your skin and disappear. The only word I have to describe this…

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Still Existing

Still Existing

The last note saved in my phone contains dosages of over the counter drugs. It was a note I started last Thursday, finished on Friday, and was supposed to serve as instructions for how to kill myself. When I picked up the drugs Friday morning, I remember noticing how expensive they were. I chuckled to myself, realizing that it doesn’t really matter how much money is left in my account if I’m dead. I hate myself for not just killing…

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On an upward spiral

On an upward spiral

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve sat down and wrote; partially because I’ve been spending every waking moment with my puppy, but also because I didn’t feel as though I had anything interesting or helpful to contribute. There’s a few things I want to share since I last wrote. I eliminated all forms of communication with my mother. I blocked her on all social media platforms, and I even blocked her number. I don’t have any siblings, and I…

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5 Days of BPD

5 Days of BPD

Hi y’all. I didn’t write last week, and I could lie and say I was busy, or I didn’t have any new content. The truth is that a had a BPD related episode. I don’t even remember what I was so upset about- it probably wasn’t very important. One of my biggest struggles with my BPD is the lack of emotional stability. One moment I’m laughing at every joke, the next I’m super depressed, and the next I’m filled with…

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TIP Skills

TIP Skills

Happy Sunday, y’all! Like last weekend, I took this weekend to do some self-care, mostly hanging out with the puppy and cleaning the apartment. Wednesday through Friday, and even parts of this weekend, I really struggled with my anxiety. There are different ways my anxiety manifests. Sometimes it’s like I can’t breathe or I get really light-headed. Other times, I feel like I’m losing control of my surroundings. In moments like these, my anxiety is more visible to others. I’ll…

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Dolla dolla bill y’all

Dolla dolla bill y’all

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, y’all! A couple times a month, Tyler and I sit down and catch up on finances. While necessary, this conversation is something that I absolutely hate doing. Finances make me incredibly anxious. I don’t have a specific reason why- I’m generally not spending outside of my means, and things are relatively stable. Yet, many of our financial conversations have ended with me laying in bed because I think the world is ending. The American Psychological Association…

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Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance, and Singing in the Shower

Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance, and Singing in the Shower

Happy Sunday, y’all. By the time I made it to Friday of this week, I found myself emotionally drained. I had been doing relatively well up until Thursday. There were a few conversations on Thursday that I found really triggering, and I really struggled to bounce back. The emotional instability that characterizes BPD means that I can go from joyous and spontaneous to extremely depressed with a snap of the fingers. This is exactly what happened. I found myself really…

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19 vines/short videos for when I’m too upset or depressed to function

19 vines/short videos for when I’m too upset or depressed to function

I was going to write about mindfulness, but I’ll save that for next week. I’ve had a great weekend, just hanging out with Tyler and our puppy. At this moment, I find myself upset, sad, and agitated for no apparent reason. I’ve mentioned that I love zoning out on vines or short videos when I’m upset. I’ll usually put on a 10 minute vine compilation. Vines aren’t for everyone, but they certainly fit my sense of humor. Here are 30…

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Lean Into the Hurt

Lean Into the Hurt

Happy Sunday y’all! The second half of the week was difficult for me. Thus far in this blog, I’ve hinted at the struggles of our relationship. On Thursday, I received 38 text messages from my mother that were pretty nasty. I didn’t respond once – they were all unsolicited. They were manipulative, and frankly emotionally abusive. I’m disappointed, but not surprised. My mother has been the subject of much of my therapy. One of the most pervasive stereotypes associated with…

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A Q&A on Self-Harm

A Q&A on Self-Harm

Happy Sunday, y’all. I’ve had one of the best weeks I’ve had in a while- largely because we got a puppy! Klamath, our 10-week old little Siberian Husky is super cute and sweet. It’s been a tiring week, since she can’t yet sleep or hold her bladder through the night, but it’s all worth it. I love having her nap on my chest when I’m feeling anxious and playing with her when she’s full of energy. She’s not old enough…

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