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Author: Kerida

BPD & Relationships: The Valentine’s Day Edition

BPD & Relationships: The Valentine’s Day Edition

It’s Sunday, and it’s the end of a very difficult week. Wednesday through Friday, my anxiety was at a 5/5, followed by a 4/5 on Saturday. My thoughts of self-harm were just as high, and thoughts of suicide were way too high for comfort. Today I’m at about a 1-2 on everything, so I’m doing better. Thursday is Valentine’s Day, which means Tyler and I are celebrating on Wednesday to avoid day-of pricing. This will be our third Valentine’s Day…

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The Post-Appointment Dip

The Post-Appointment Dip

It’s Super Bowl Sunday! I don’t actually know anything about football, but I’m here for the chips and drinks. Wednesday was my first DBT session. DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, is a year-long treatment specifically designed to treat Borderline Personality Disorder. It focuses on learning how to change behaviors, emotions, and thoughts that are causing distress. Specific goals include decreasing emptiness, interpersonal stress, loneliness, and mood-dependent behavior. I’ll also be working on increasing mindfulness skills, emotion regulation skills, and distress…

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The Perpetual Flip Flop

The Perpetual Flip Flop

Happy Sunday from beautiful Sacramento! It’s about 65 degrees and sunny out today. On my way home from the gym earlier, I rolled down my windows and blasted Montgomery Gentry. I just enjoyed the moment. Yesterday, Tyler and I went and hiked around the Camp Spaulding area, up the 80 about 30 miles from Truckee. I ended the work week feeling mentally exhausted, so a day trip was the perfect way to recharge. The name of this blog is “Splitting…

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Loneliness

Loneliness

If you sit in a room full of chatty people and gently close your eyes, their voices will start to sound farther away than they actually are. This is what it means to feel lonely. I recently started reading Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown, a professor from Texas whose studies focus on courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. This book specifically examines the concept of belonging. I’ve struggled with belonging my whole life, and frankly still do. I didn’t really belong at…

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Live Tweets from the Psych Ward – tips on getting help

Live Tweets from the Psych Ward – tips on getting help

The first time I sought help was close to a year after I was sexually assaulted. I used my student health care to book an appointment at our university health center. When I was in college (I’m not sure if they have the same system set up now), if you didn’t say that you needed immediate help when you called to make the appointment, you were set up with a 15 minute intake appointment. The assault became the main point…

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Suicide, from someone that tried it

Suicide, from someone that tried it

The first time I considered suicide I was in 5th or 6th grade. My mother and I were screaming at each other at the top our lungs. She said she didn’t want me, and my dad didn’t want me either. She didn’t know what to do with such a horrific child. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and told her I was going to kill myself. She told me to put it down, and we never spoke of the incident again….

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Finding My Boundaries

Finding My Boundaries

Hello from the Salt Lake City airport! Tyler and I have been in Utah the last couple of days to go to Zion and Bryce Canyon National Park. I absolutely love getting outdoors- it’s a great way get back into a healthy mindset and recharge. After all, it’s rather difficult to think about offing yourself while surrounded by the snowcapped hoodoos of Bryce Canyon. As I write this, I’m feeling incredibly anxious. I don’t have a particular reason, but as…

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Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

Happy holidays from sunny San Diego! The 9th symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is dissociative feelings. As defined by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), dissociating can be described as “disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity or ‘out of body’ type of feelings.” Before I was diagnosed with BPD, I didn’t know that dissociation existed as part of the human experience, and it has been one of the most mystifying parts of my journey with BPD. We’re…

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What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Why did I start this blog?  In her documentary Simply Complicated, Demi Lovato says to “tell your truth, and be okay without all the answers”. I know, such a cheesy, girly comparison- but it really resonated with me! The last four months have marked some of the most difficult months of my life, and as Demi said, I feel compelled to tell my own truth. The National Alliance on Mental Illness estimates that 1.6% of the US population is diagnosed…

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